I’m terribly tired of reading articles on my Newsfeed that inform me in list form what I have learnt by now, in my mid twenties. How dare they assume I know anything at such a tender age?! I tease, I am ssoommeewwhhaatt an adult now. I don’t wail and tantrum when there are no clean towels because it is my fault there are no clean towels. I wipe down the kitchen surface and I replenish toilet paper.
While these are all practical things, I’ve accumulated some wisdom too. Yes yes, I know that maturity isn’t always aligned to age, yet here are some things I happened to learn as I growed olderer.
The title of this blogpost is intentionally misleading by the way. I wanted you to feel how I feel when I read articles with such titles and some of the listed things are not applicable to my life. I feel really left out. As for this post, how am I supposed to have a clue what you know and don’t know?
Shouting profanities at wasps does not end with the desired result.
Wasps are sent to further destroy the mockery we refer to as the “English
summer”. Come those drizzly days of 15 degrees celsius, all of England whip off their tops to pinken their porky pot bellies. We buy beer and belch merrily in our back gardens, perving on the flab Mr and Mrs neighbour are sporting.
Then cometh the wasps. They sneak here, they sneak there. They sup on your Sainsbury’s own brand sangria, they call a chum to join in the fun. Now, the ‘natural’ English reaction to such a situation is calm, cool and collected, going something like this:
BUGGER! OH SHIT A WANK! FUCK OFF YOU LITTLE HIDEOUS WANKERS OH MY GOD IT’S TOUCHING MY TINY TOE!
Some begin with a dignified stance: jerky arm movements and writhes of discomfort, hard to conceal but attempts are made to turn the bum shuffle into a seductive chair dance. Then come wails of fear escaping through your nose, flashbacks to being seven and a giant man in a Mr Blobby costume approaching you in the shopping centre. “Give him a hug, Jess!” “No mother, don’t make me touch, I no want touch”.
LOOK HE’S GOING TO TOUCH YOU
I have come to the conclusion that wasps simply do not appreciate being told to leave in a rude manner. I’ve sat down and had conversations with a few wasps, some telling me of their emotional scars from the verbal abuse.
I’ma eat your heart
Stretching is wondrous
Upon occasion, a stretch is more satisfying than a cup of tea, than a night on the lash or any sexual hanky-panky. When the time comes to rise, the most graceful way to do it is to release a high pitched screech, wriggle like a salmon, and stretch your joints to the point of dislocation. Extra points if you topple out of bed sideways in this manner, quadruple points if you have a bunk bed. Don’t follow the trend of posting Instagram pictures of your wholesome yoga poses. No one wants to see you standing on your head on the beach! Demand is rising to see photos of people early morning, still covered in their nightly spot cream, stretching to the heavens.
OOOOH that’s so GOOOOOOOODDD
Excessive sarcasm is sooooooooo edgy and great.
You must be the first person ever to be so sarcastic. Everyone will love you if everything you say is sarcastic. Not. (It’s also not very original to be ironic, but I can confirm it is very satisfying).
Mistakes and failures can be very good.
You can learn from them. Basic and obvious but shut up I’ll still mention it, because some things you learn only stay at the forefront of your mind as long as they are relevant to your present situation. There is always potential to lose your way and make mistakes that infuriate you as you think you should “know better” from the past. But striving for perfectionism in your actions and thoughts is dangerous and destructive. It is only a problem if you are aware you are making a mistake yet repeatedly bop down that same path. That is not good for you. Use the mistakes and failures as you would a GPS, to go somewhere new with the information you didn’t have before.
Your brain is a grey squidgy part of your body and you are not solely this big grey squidge
The most powerful thing someone can ever learn to do is be the master of their own mind. It ought to be a life long education in this, and a true focal point. The mission is never over. There is always more to learn, better ways to grow. However, to master your mind is not to fixate yourself within it. You are not your solely your mind, your thoughts, your fears, your memories. This is a very important thing to learn, and to work with. I’m still very much stuck in my mind a lot of the time, but I am aware of the progress I must make for my own good.
I may be a handsome old chap but don’t get carried away in your infatuation for me, ok old sport?
Apart from Mr Blobby, bad razors are your worst enemy
Cheap disposable razors are never worth it. Ever. Nonetheless, I will buy them again and again, allured by the thought of spending those saved pennies on absolute essentials, like shite train station coffee and roller coaster ride snaps. I highly doubt I’ll ever be able to shave properly. Twelve years of shaving attempts have passed and yet I still race through it, unperturbed by the memories of peeling sliced flesh out of the blade and feeling like Moses by turning the water into blood. My legs look like a battlefield, war wounds etched deep on my ankles and knees. Nothing like being on the bus and looking down at your leg to see a gleeful dribble of dried blood running down to your shoe. What to do but lick your fingers and vigorously rub at it, grunting slightly in concentration. The river of red fades, but the distaste of the bus-folk runs fresh and freely, soaking you in shame because you did this to yourself, you top buffoon.
Mix up who you live with to learn how weird everyone is
Living with a variety of persons – I’m talking different cultures, different ages, different genders – is a splendid way to lay bare HOW to live with people. You can draw neater conclusions to how the world is fucking you over – no one else, just poor sodding you – if you only live with mother and father as a yoof then move over to hang with ya pals or yo’ other half, all more likely to reinforce similar values to your own. It’s easy to feel people are doing things to you, it’s their fault. When you keep trying new places and live with different people, you start to see that there are patterns in what people are doing that hurts your feelings or affects your life. You slowly realise that this is impossible, these people are unconnected. It’s the way you are digesting it. You realise your intolerances with behaviour, and others intolerances with yours.
You can learn from hideously uncomfortable living situations, but it’s a struggle and it takes conscious effort to behave with decency and not let emotions run away with you. It can sting to be challenged on things you have never questioned before in the way you live. This isn’t the only way to learn about people, but having tried and tested it myself I have learnt about what is important to me about the way I live, and how to respect differences more. No one is necessarily right or wrong, just different (although some people are simply wankers and it is fine not to dress that up. If you live with no wankers… you’re probably the wanker) Then you know what you want from your living situation and that it is the worst thing in the world to reuse a tea bag and if you do this everyone will hate on you forever. So do it in the dead of the night or NEVER AT ALL.
So there we have some things. Some silly and some sensible, but who am I to tell you which is which? You can discern for yourself.
Life of Pap 